What If They Were American

We, American soccer fans, spend so much time wondering what our best athletes would play like if they stepped on the pitch. But, what if some of the greatest international footballing talents were, instead, born in the U.S. and were not exposed to the beautiful game? Would they still be pro athletes? Let's find out. Check out the first installment and the second.

Xavi, Andres Iniesta, Cesc Fabregas, Fernando Torres and David Villa



While these guys are all amazingly skilled athletes, none of them could really make it in American sports. Torres is the only one clocking in at over 6-feet and, let's face it, there's not much of an athletic market in this country for skinny dudes between the heights of 5-7 and 5-10. I guess Torres could play college basketball or something, but the natural move for these guys, assuming they all grew up together in Orlando, would be to form a boy band. Torres would be the leader and the one, now, with the successful after-career now that they're all in their 20s. Villa would be the heart-throb who's probably gay. Iniesta would be the quiet one who's probably gay. Xavi would be the ugly one who you wonder why he's even in the group. And Fabregas would be the jack-of-all-trades who has a pretty decent career, as well. I'm sure all could learn some nice choreographed dance moves, they've got the requisite interest in hair gel and/or headbands and I've heard a lady or two comment that Spain had the best-looking team at the Euros. So that's something.

Iker Casillas



I really see Casillas as an All-Star MLB catcher. He seems like the kind of guy who doesn't mind getting hit in the face with foul balls and he's more than happy to take one for the team. He's a solid 6-1 so size wouldn't be much of an issue, either. He's smart and a good leader, which are qualities that any top catcher needs to posssess. He's got a good arm for flinging the ball a couple dozen yards, so I can seem him rifling balls over to second base with no problem. Of course, he'd be so much more than just a catcher, though. You get the feeling that Casillas would probably be a pretty decent striker or midfielder if that's how it panned out, so I'm sure he'd be a quality hitter and, maybe later in his career, he could switch over to third or first base. Any team would be happy to have a dude like Iker. He might even be a Hall-of-Famer at the end of his long and illustrious career.

Ruud Van Nistelrooy



Ruud's probably got the size and the skills to be a pretty decent quarterback and he also kind of fits the profile for a pro golfer. But his true calling would be a designated hitter in the MLB. If you'll allow me to oversimplify, all that Ruud really wants to do is score and he's damn good at it. He's not interested in defense, though he actually started as a center back, and he's not gonna rack up too many assists. He's got a knack for coming through in the clutch and he loves making the big play. He'd be the perfect DH. Sure, he could play first base or right field in a pinch, but that's not where his heart lies. He'd be a top-rate DH, maybe even into his 40s. He'd also be a pretty great pro/am golfer on the side.

Carles Puyol



For some reason, I just think that this dude would be a cop. At 5-10, he's really kind of small for American sports and I just think "law and order" when I see Puyol. Maybe it's the hair, maybe it's his no-nonense style of defending, but I can really see him brandishing a night stick with a cop hat over his ridiculous mane. All in all, though, he'd probably be a good cop. He seems like a nice guy with a good sense of justice and Barcelona strikes me as a kind of liberal team. So I don't think Puyol would be getting into racial profiling or any of that stuff.

Dimitar Berbatov



On the other side of the law would be Berba, a cold-blooded paid assassin. First of all, just look at this dude.



He's obviously been up to no good at one point during his life. Beyond that, he's got the perfect demeanor to do some seriously scary illegal work. He's always in the right position, he's patient, he never flinches when he sees his opening and he really scores in some ridiculous ways. If you make even the slightest mistake, Berba will make you pay. He would be right at home tracking some ne'er-do-well all night, taking note of his habits and then striking when the time is right. He also is very comfortable wearing gloves.

Alessandro Del Piero



He's on the small side at only 5-8, but he's such an amazing and persistent athlete that I think Del Piero would make it as a major league shorstop. He'd definitely be a journeyman and he might only play a season or two in the MLB, jumping around different minor league squads, but I think he'd eventually make it on the big stage. He's quick and agile and always knows how to position himself to take advantage. He's a natural lead-off hitter, would hit for a decent average and he'd always be threat to steal a base or two.

Francesco Totti



A natural-born playmaker, Totti would make it to be an NBA point guard. He'd be small at 5-11, but he's pretty solidly built and he's quicker than just anybody else on the planet. He also has some amazing vision and would make some ridiculous passes, kind of like a young Jason Williams. His lack of size would keep him from scaling the heights of the league and eventually he might go to Europe for a big payday. But I think Totti would be a good fit on most teams as a back-up point guard who'd have no problem stepping in for a big game. He's also a bit mercurial, injury-prone and he has tattoos, all of which would make him a great fit for the NBA.

Marco Materazzi



It's pretty tough to assume that anyone would be a world-class ice skater, but I think Marco would make it as an NHL defenseman. I'm no ice hockey expert, but I hear that the league is pretty huge these days, so at 6-4, Marco would fit right in. Of course NFL safety could be an option, but I think the more chaotic nature of pro hockey would fit Marco's style. Sure the NFL gets all the headlines, but no league rewards ruggedness quite like the NHL. Marco could do all sorts of body-checks, cross-checks, trash talking (assuming they do that in hockey), get into fights (in the pre-lockout NHL, of course) and hard-nosed fans would love his style. Materazzi also has shown an ability to score on the pitch, so I think he'd carry that skill over on to the rink.

Bastian Schweinsteiger



I could be kind of off about this, but I think Bastian would be kind of aimless without football. He plays with a great deal of passion, but without the game, where would that passion go? Between his fiery temper, his love of peroxide and some serious skills with his feet, I think he'd be a hardcore candy raver. Born in 1984, he's a little young for that world, I guess, but if he was in a major hub like New York or L.A., he'd find the scene. He'd do a lot of hallucinogens and whatnot, wear jinkos, change his hair color every week or so, and now at age 24, he'd be stuck. Maybe he'd graduate to being a promoter, maybe he'd be a drug dealer, but I don't really see Bastian as a pro athlete on the American side of the Atlantic.

Lukas Podolski



Podolski would fit in well as a relief pitcher in the MLB. He's 5-11 and pretty thin, so I don't think he could hold up as a starting pitcher. But he'd be perfect to send in for some middle relief or, as his career progressed, maybe even some 9th inning work. As he showed in the Euros, he's got a flair for the big games. And he came into that tourney after being used sparingly as a sub at Bayern Munich. Waiting around for his chance obviously did not diminish his skills and that's probably the most important quality for a relief pitcher. At just 23, homeboy is already ice-cold. He'd have a long career on some quality baseball teams.