What If They Were American
We, American soccer fans, spend so much time wondering what our best athletes would play like if they stepped on the pitch. But, what if some of the greatest international footballing talents were, instead, born in the U.S. and were not exposed to the beautiful game? Would they still be pro athletes? Let's find out. Check out the first installment.
David Beckham
Becks has largely built his career on his otherworldly free kick ability so I'm not sure if he'd excel at any American sports. He's probably not athletic enough for pro football, he's definitley too small for basketball, so that really only leaves baseball. I could see him being a pretty good pitcher, but I'm not sure he has the temperament for the game. Acting seems like a natural career, but he probably already would have established himself in that field already if he had real skills. I mean, have you ever heard homeboy talk? Male model is a definite possibility, but I see him as a top-rate celebrity public relations person and not one of those sleazeballs, an actual good one who does his job well and can relate equally well to the big name as well as the hardened journalist. He's dimplomatic, good-looking, charismatic and he, obviously, has a knack for marketing. He also loves being around famous people and famous people love being around him. He has an entreprenurial streak, as well, so I can see him starting up his own agency one day. I think he's destined to be some kind of celebrity so he'd probably be the expert that all the news shows call on when Britney Spears shaves her poodle or something and goes into damage control.
Zinedine Zidane
Zizou has all-star Major League pitcher written all over him. He's absurdly skilled with the ball at his feet so let's just assume that would translate to his hands. He's also pretty moody and kind of weird, which would make him fit right in at most bullpens. He's spend his off-days drinking espresso, reading up on ecomonics, tending to his garden, whatever wacked-out pitchers do on the 300 days of the year that they're not working. He's also be the type to continually experiment with his pitches. One year he'd have a dominant slider, the next year he'd be killing everyone with his change-up sinker and, assuming, he's still pitching now at age 36, he'd probably be moving on to the knuckleball phase of his career. He's also not afraid to get nasty with it so he'd have no problem going inside and brushing the big hitters off the plate. He'd finish his Hall-of-Fame career with well over 300 wins.
Rio Ferdinand and John Terry
If these two were more skilled on the ball, with their respective size and killer instinct, you'd have to believe that they'd be strikers. So, with that in mind, they'd be All-Pro NFL safeties, even though I'm tempted to put them at quarterback. Both are big, strong, scary dudes that love hitting and getting hit. Rio almost plays safety out there already. He's one of the most intense dudes in the game and I could easily see him screaming on the sidelines, hitting himself in the helmet and nailing wide receivers who happen to break across the middle. Terry's a bit more reserved, but I think he'd also be big hitter. He seems a bit injury-prone, though, so that wouldn't translate too well to the gridiron. Still, I can see both of these guys having very decent NFL careers.
Andrea Pirlo
Nobody seems to take more pride in his free kicks and overall skills than Pirlo. At times it seems like he's playing his own little game in the midfield and he's oblivious to the other 21 players on the pitch running around at a frenetic pace. While that works fine in a loony bin like the Serie A, I'm not sure he would ingratiate himself to American coaches of any sport. So I see Pirlo striking out on his own and being a pro bowler. And not just any pro bolwer. Pirlo could be the Tiger Woods or pro bowling before all is said and done. He's an insane perfectionist and, while other pros gorge themselves on Milwaukee's Best and vinegar-soaked French fries, Pirlo would be running up hills, meditating and eating a raw diet. He'd be miles ahead of anybody else on the pro bowling tour. I could also see him as a golfer, but something about his haircut just screams bowling to me. I don't think he could get away with that look on the PGA tour.
Gennaro Gattuso
We all love the pit bull, but he's probably not gonna tear it up in any other sport. He's on the small side, not terribly skilled and he might not have the temperament for American sports. I'm sure he'd be a terrific high school football player and he may even do OK in Division II, but he's not NFL material. I can see Gattuso growing up in Jersey and "working in construction" here in the States. Whether that means that he actually schleps concrete and cuts grass or that he sits in a lawn chair and makes homophobic jokes all day, is not up for me to decide. If he's lucky, he could hook up with his friend from around the way Max Ambrosini
and maybe they'd start their own contracting business.
Patrick Viera
With his size, speed and agility, Viera would be a Pro Bowl NFL quarterback. Donovan McNabb might be the best comparison for the French center mid. He'd be dangerous outside the pocket and always a threat to run for the first down, but, really, at heart, he'd be a pocket quarterback who thrives on the short and mid-length passes. He'd definitely be able to bomb it down field if he gets the chance, but he always wants to be a little more conservative with the ball and manage the game smartly. He's also not a nasty streak, and that would come in handy when linebackers and defensive ends are staring him down. Most importantly, he's a smart inspirational players who would take a bullet for his teammates. You can't ask for much more from a franchise quarterback.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic
Zlatan would be an ultimately frustrating, shoot-first combo guard struggling in the NBA. While he's a giant by soccer standards, at just under 6-4, he's nothing special for pro basketball. With his skinny frame and his obvious skills, he's the exact type of player that coach after coach after coach will try to mold into a point guard. But, really, all he wants to do is score. Unless he plays next to an Eric Snow type, he'd find it hard to start on most NBA teams. He'd be able to score 30 or so on any given night, but he'd take too much abuse to really be able to sustain this pace. I can see him retiring early or going off to play in Europe if he doesn't find the right fit in the NBA.
David Beckham
Becks has largely built his career on his otherworldly free kick ability so I'm not sure if he'd excel at any American sports. He's probably not athletic enough for pro football, he's definitley too small for basketball, so that really only leaves baseball. I could see him being a pretty good pitcher, but I'm not sure he has the temperament for the game. Acting seems like a natural career, but he probably already would have established himself in that field already if he had real skills. I mean, have you ever heard homeboy talk? Male model is a definite possibility, but I see him as a top-rate celebrity public relations person and not one of those sleazeballs, an actual good one who does his job well and can relate equally well to the big name as well as the hardened journalist. He's dimplomatic, good-looking, charismatic and he, obviously, has a knack for marketing. He also loves being around famous people and famous people love being around him. He has an entreprenurial streak, as well, so I can see him starting up his own agency one day. I think he's destined to be some kind of celebrity so he'd probably be the expert that all the news shows call on when Britney Spears shaves her poodle or something and goes into damage control.
Zinedine Zidane
Zizou has all-star Major League pitcher written all over him. He's absurdly skilled with the ball at his feet so let's just assume that would translate to his hands. He's also pretty moody and kind of weird, which would make him fit right in at most bullpens. He's spend his off-days drinking espresso, reading up on ecomonics, tending to his garden, whatever wacked-out pitchers do on the 300 days of the year that they're not working. He's also be the type to continually experiment with his pitches. One year he'd have a dominant slider, the next year he'd be killing everyone with his change-up sinker and, assuming, he's still pitching now at age 36, he'd probably be moving on to the knuckleball phase of his career. He's also not afraid to get nasty with it so he'd have no problem going inside and brushing the big hitters off the plate. He'd finish his Hall-of-Fame career with well over 300 wins.
Rio Ferdinand and John Terry
If these two were more skilled on the ball, with their respective size and killer instinct, you'd have to believe that they'd be strikers. So, with that in mind, they'd be All-Pro NFL safeties, even though I'm tempted to put them at quarterback. Both are big, strong, scary dudes that love hitting and getting hit. Rio almost plays safety out there already. He's one of the most intense dudes in the game and I could easily see him screaming on the sidelines, hitting himself in the helmet and nailing wide receivers who happen to break across the middle. Terry's a bit more reserved, but I think he'd also be big hitter. He seems a bit injury-prone, though, so that wouldn't translate too well to the gridiron. Still, I can see both of these guys having very decent NFL careers.
Andrea Pirlo
Nobody seems to take more pride in his free kicks and overall skills than Pirlo. At times it seems like he's playing his own little game in the midfield and he's oblivious to the other 21 players on the pitch running around at a frenetic pace. While that works fine in a loony bin like the Serie A, I'm not sure he would ingratiate himself to American coaches of any sport. So I see Pirlo striking out on his own and being a pro bowler. And not just any pro bolwer. Pirlo could be the Tiger Woods or pro bowling before all is said and done. He's an insane perfectionist and, while other pros gorge themselves on Milwaukee's Best and vinegar-soaked French fries, Pirlo would be running up hills, meditating and eating a raw diet. He'd be miles ahead of anybody else on the pro bowling tour. I could also see him as a golfer, but something about his haircut just screams bowling to me. I don't think he could get away with that look on the PGA tour.
Gennaro Gattuso
We all love the pit bull, but he's probably not gonna tear it up in any other sport. He's on the small side, not terribly skilled and he might not have the temperament for American sports. I'm sure he'd be a terrific high school football player and he may even do OK in Division II, but he's not NFL material. I can see Gattuso growing up in Jersey and "working in construction" here in the States. Whether that means that he actually schleps concrete and cuts grass or that he sits in a lawn chair and makes homophobic jokes all day, is not up for me to decide. If he's lucky, he could hook up with his friend from around the way Max Ambrosini
and maybe they'd start their own contracting business.
Patrick Viera
With his size, speed and agility, Viera would be a Pro Bowl NFL quarterback. Donovan McNabb might be the best comparison for the French center mid. He'd be dangerous outside the pocket and always a threat to run for the first down, but, really, at heart, he'd be a pocket quarterback who thrives on the short and mid-length passes. He'd definitely be able to bomb it down field if he gets the chance, but he always wants to be a little more conservative with the ball and manage the game smartly. He's also not a nasty streak, and that would come in handy when linebackers and defensive ends are staring him down. Most importantly, he's a smart inspirational players who would take a bullet for his teammates. You can't ask for much more from a franchise quarterback.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic
Zlatan would be an ultimately frustrating, shoot-first combo guard struggling in the NBA. While he's a giant by soccer standards, at just under 6-4, he's nothing special for pro basketball. With his skinny frame and his obvious skills, he's the exact type of player that coach after coach after coach will try to mold into a point guard. But, really, all he wants to do is score. Unless he plays next to an Eric Snow type, he'd find it hard to start on most NBA teams. He'd be able to score 30 or so on any given night, but he'd take too much abuse to really be able to sustain this pace. I can see him retiring early or going off to play in Europe if he doesn't find the right fit in the NBA.
posted by Alonzo @ 9:42 AM
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