What If They Were American . . .
We, American soccer fans, spend so much time wondering what our best athletes would play like if they stepped on the pitch. But, what if some of the greatest international footballing talents were, instead, born in the U.S. and were not exposed to the beautiful game? Would they still be pro athletes? Let's find out.
Cristiano Ronaldo
First of all, he wouldn't be Cristiano Ronaldo. He'd be Chris Aveiro and I'm not even sure that he'd be a pro athlete. He's got all the talent in the world, but which American sport would suit him? He's tougher than people give him credit for, but he's still a pretty skinny dude. I don't think he could withstand the hits that a pro football player would take. At 6-1 and with a 2-guard mentality, he's probably a little too small for basketball, although with his speed and hops he could probably do OK in the college game. He'd do pretty well in any number of track and field events, but, really, tennis may be his true American sports calling. He's got the quickness, agility and the competitive fire. At the end of the day, though, with his ambition and overall jerkiness, he'd probably dabble in a bunch of sports on the weekends, but he'd be just another Wall Street d-bag. I guess male modeling could be a possibility, but I don't really want to go there.
Lionel Messi
If Messi weren't born in soccer-crazed Argentina, he would not be a pro athlete. He went through a youth soccer system in Argentina, starting at age 5, and later in his childhood years, Barcelona paid for hormone treatments to reverse a growth defficiency and he's still only 5-7. If he grew up in Kansas or something and his supernatural soccer ability were never discovered, he'd be about 5-3. And the only 5-3 pro athlete in the history of this nation is Mugsy Bogues. Leo's no Mugsy. So, at age 21, he'd probably be playing ultimate frisbee on some leafy college quad right about now. He's not the most charismatic guy on the block, either, so I think he'd have a pretty medicore life if he were an American. He's got long hair, though, so let's say he's on the artsy side. Maybe he'd be a graphic designer.
Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard
These two would be All-Star baseball players, no doubt. They're very skilled athletes and I can really see them getting into the whole batter's box routine thing, adjusting their batting gloves, spitting and grabbing their crotches and whatnot. They'd hit for high averages, drive in a lot of runs and go for 30-35 home runs a year. Both would be Gold Glove infielders, as well. Really, in a perfect world, they'd bicker constantly in a passive-aggressive way and they'd play shortstop and third base on the same high-profile team.
Ronaldo
This one's pretty obvious, too. He'd be Ron Lima and he'd be one of those supremely talented NFL running backs who retires around age 30. He's got the size, speed and the kiler instinct to really be an All-Pro football player. Just as he was unstoppable barrelling down the pitch with a soccer ball, he'd be equally scary carrying a football, stiff-arming linebackers and throwing off cornerbacks like they were little flies. Bulking up is obviously not a problem for him and, at 6-0, he'd even be bigger than guys like Tiki Barber or Barry Sanders. Homeboy is 32, though, so, after a couple rushing titles, dozens of touchdowns and maybe an MVP award or two, he'd be deep into retirement right now. I'm not sure he's NFL analyst material so he'd probably just be playing golf or drinking a lot.
Ronaldinho
I'm just gonna give him the benefit of the doubt and say that Ron Moreira would be a point guard in the NBA. He's about the same size as Iverson and, of course, he's got insane speed, vision, quickness and agility, so I think he could do pretty well in the NBA. He'd need to bulk up a bit, but I think he's up for it. His love of partying and not practicing hard would also make him a perfect fit for pro basketball. Can you imagine anyone in the world who would love a guaranteed contract more than this dude?
Didier Drogba
This guy has petulant NFL wide reciever written all over him. At 6-2, he has the size and speed to make it in pro football. Not too many people are gonna catch him in any type of open field. And like T.O., Randy Moss or Chad Johnson, he's also a huge jerkface. He'll do everything that your franchise wideout is supposed to do on the field, catch balls, score touchdowns, take plays off, perform elaborate touchdown dances and off the field, he'll call out his teammates, complain to the media and go through about three or four different teams.
Michael Ballack
He'd be an average to above-average NFL quarterback, someone like Brad Johnson or Trent Dilfer. At 6-2, he has the size to play the position and, as a central midfielder, he's got the vision and skill to pull it off. More importantly, though, he's a born leader. He's captained Germany, one of the best teams in the world, for a while and he's an inspirational player that gets the respect of his teammates. He's not a blazing athlete, so he'd be happy to be a possession quarterback who hands the ball off and is good for one or two big plays a game and is capable of leading his team on late-game drives. At age 32, there's a very good chance that his best days would be behind him and he'd probably be a very capable back-up on his way to being a quarterbacks coach or something. That, or he'd be a critically acclaimed actor from Boston.
Thierry Henry
Tyler Henry is known to be a pretty big basketball fan, so, while he'd be on the small side at 6-2, I could see him having a good stretch as a pretty decent shooting guard. He's fast, smart, creative and he knows how to score. I'm sure he can dunk a basketball and he'd probably be listed at around 6-4 anyway. If you stood him back-to-back with Dwyane Wade, I'm not sure you'd see much of a difference. He also seems to be a bit arrogant and guarded, which would really make him perfect for pro sports in the U.S. I don't think he'd set the NBA on fire or anything, but I think he'd be a consistent 15-20 point per game scorer. Maybe he'd make an All-Star team or two and, later in his career, maybe Phil Jackson could convince him to run the point in the triangle offense.
Gianluigi Buffon
Buffon would be an All-pro middle linebacker. At 6-3 and with a wide frame, he'd have no problem filling out an NFL uniform and he's the perfect guy to captain a defense. He'd be right in the middle of the action, directing traffic, screaming a lot and running up into the quarterback's face. Homeslice is an absolute beast and there won't be too many running backs that he won't be able to wrap up. Most importantly, he'd have no problem playing through pain. When it's all said and done, he could even be in the Hall-of-Fame.
Kaka
Rick Leite would probably be palling around with Lamps and Stevey G and would be an All-Star center fielder. His speed and vision would be perfect for that position. He wouldn't be a slouch at the plate either and he'd probably bat in the leadoff position and lead the MLB in batting average and stolen bases. Also, he belongs to Jesus and that's always a plus for an American athlete.
Peter Crouch
This one's so obvious that it's almost not worth doing. Crouch would be a role-playing small forward in the NBA. At 6-7, he'd be nothing special size-wise, but he's got some serious skills, so he'd be good for a block or two a game and a highlight reel dunk, every now and then. Really, though, he's so shaky out there on the pitch, that I'm not sure he'd be able to dribble the basketball well enough to make it to the pro game. He'd obviously dominate in high school, do pretty well in college, but I'm not sure he'd have a long pro career, if he made it at all. I could see him put in a couple years in the NBA and then maybe go to Israel or Spain to ply his trade.
Wayne Rooney
At 5-10, Rooney is definitely on the small side for pro sports in America, but I think, with his speed, strength and desire, he'd be able to make it to at least a cornerback in college football. He's only 22, so I think he could very easily have been red-shirted his freshman year and, by now he'd be a fifth-year senior, viciously knocking down wide receivers, returning punts and trying desperately to make an impression and make it to the NFL. He probably would have been an All-State quarterback in high school, but his size will obviously keep him from that position in the college or pro ranks. Really, his future could be in the Canadian Football League. Little speedsters like Doug Flutie or Rocket Ismail have done pretty well north of the border, so I think Rooney could fit right in. Arena Football would also be an option for him. The NFL, though, is probably a longshot. His true calling on the U.S. sports scene would probably be boxing, but who does that anymore?
Cristiano Ronaldo
First of all, he wouldn't be Cristiano Ronaldo. He'd be Chris Aveiro and I'm not even sure that he'd be a pro athlete. He's got all the talent in the world, but which American sport would suit him? He's tougher than people give him credit for, but he's still a pretty skinny dude. I don't think he could withstand the hits that a pro football player would take. At 6-1 and with a 2-guard mentality, he's probably a little too small for basketball, although with his speed and hops he could probably do OK in the college game. He'd do pretty well in any number of track and field events, but, really, tennis may be his true American sports calling. He's got the quickness, agility and the competitive fire. At the end of the day, though, with his ambition and overall jerkiness, he'd probably dabble in a bunch of sports on the weekends, but he'd be just another Wall Street d-bag. I guess male modeling could be a possibility, but I don't really want to go there.
Lionel Messi
If Messi weren't born in soccer-crazed Argentina, he would not be a pro athlete. He went through a youth soccer system in Argentina, starting at age 5, and later in his childhood years, Barcelona paid for hormone treatments to reverse a growth defficiency and he's still only 5-7. If he grew up in Kansas or something and his supernatural soccer ability were never discovered, he'd be about 5-3. And the only 5-3 pro athlete in the history of this nation is Mugsy Bogues. Leo's no Mugsy. So, at age 21, he'd probably be playing ultimate frisbee on some leafy college quad right about now. He's not the most charismatic guy on the block, either, so I think he'd have a pretty medicore life if he were an American. He's got long hair, though, so let's say he's on the artsy side. Maybe he'd be a graphic designer.
Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard
These two would be All-Star baseball players, no doubt. They're very skilled athletes and I can really see them getting into the whole batter's box routine thing, adjusting their batting gloves, spitting and grabbing their crotches and whatnot. They'd hit for high averages, drive in a lot of runs and go for 30-35 home runs a year. Both would be Gold Glove infielders, as well. Really, in a perfect world, they'd bicker constantly in a passive-aggressive way and they'd play shortstop and third base on the same high-profile team.
Ronaldo
This one's pretty obvious, too. He'd be Ron Lima and he'd be one of those supremely talented NFL running backs who retires around age 30. He's got the size, speed and the kiler instinct to really be an All-Pro football player. Just as he was unstoppable barrelling down the pitch with a soccer ball, he'd be equally scary carrying a football, stiff-arming linebackers and throwing off cornerbacks like they were little flies. Bulking up is obviously not a problem for him and, at 6-0, he'd even be bigger than guys like Tiki Barber or Barry Sanders. Homeboy is 32, though, so, after a couple rushing titles, dozens of touchdowns and maybe an MVP award or two, he'd be deep into retirement right now. I'm not sure he's NFL analyst material so he'd probably just be playing golf or drinking a lot.
Ronaldinho
I'm just gonna give him the benefit of the doubt and say that Ron Moreira would be a point guard in the NBA. He's about the same size as Iverson and, of course, he's got insane speed, vision, quickness and agility, so I think he could do pretty well in the NBA. He'd need to bulk up a bit, but I think he's up for it. His love of partying and not practicing hard would also make him a perfect fit for pro basketball. Can you imagine anyone in the world who would love a guaranteed contract more than this dude?
Didier Drogba
This guy has petulant NFL wide reciever written all over him. At 6-2, he has the size and speed to make it in pro football. Not too many people are gonna catch him in any type of open field. And like T.O., Randy Moss or Chad Johnson, he's also a huge jerkface. He'll do everything that your franchise wideout is supposed to do on the field, catch balls, score touchdowns, take plays off, perform elaborate touchdown dances and off the field, he'll call out his teammates, complain to the media and go through about three or four different teams.
Michael Ballack
He'd be an average to above-average NFL quarterback, someone like Brad Johnson or Trent Dilfer. At 6-2, he has the size to play the position and, as a central midfielder, he's got the vision and skill to pull it off. More importantly, though, he's a born leader. He's captained Germany, one of the best teams in the world, for a while and he's an inspirational player that gets the respect of his teammates. He's not a blazing athlete, so he'd be happy to be a possession quarterback who hands the ball off and is good for one or two big plays a game and is capable of leading his team on late-game drives. At age 32, there's a very good chance that his best days would be behind him and he'd probably be a very capable back-up on his way to being a quarterbacks coach or something. That, or he'd be a critically acclaimed actor from Boston.
Thierry Henry
Tyler Henry is known to be a pretty big basketball fan, so, while he'd be on the small side at 6-2, I could see him having a good stretch as a pretty decent shooting guard. He's fast, smart, creative and he knows how to score. I'm sure he can dunk a basketball and he'd probably be listed at around 6-4 anyway. If you stood him back-to-back with Dwyane Wade, I'm not sure you'd see much of a difference. He also seems to be a bit arrogant and guarded, which would really make him perfect for pro sports in the U.S. I don't think he'd set the NBA on fire or anything, but I think he'd be a consistent 15-20 point per game scorer. Maybe he'd make an All-Star team or two and, later in his career, maybe Phil Jackson could convince him to run the point in the triangle offense.
Gianluigi Buffon
Buffon would be an All-pro middle linebacker. At 6-3 and with a wide frame, he'd have no problem filling out an NFL uniform and he's the perfect guy to captain a defense. He'd be right in the middle of the action, directing traffic, screaming a lot and running up into the quarterback's face. Homeslice is an absolute beast and there won't be too many running backs that he won't be able to wrap up. Most importantly, he'd have no problem playing through pain. When it's all said and done, he could even be in the Hall-of-Fame.
Kaka
Rick Leite would probably be palling around with Lamps and Stevey G and would be an All-Star center fielder. His speed and vision would be perfect for that position. He wouldn't be a slouch at the plate either and he'd probably bat in the leadoff position and lead the MLB in batting average and stolen bases. Also, he belongs to Jesus and that's always a plus for an American athlete.
Peter Crouch
This one's so obvious that it's almost not worth doing. Crouch would be a role-playing small forward in the NBA. At 6-7, he'd be nothing special size-wise, but he's got some serious skills, so he'd be good for a block or two a game and a highlight reel dunk, every now and then. Really, though, he's so shaky out there on the pitch, that I'm not sure he'd be able to dribble the basketball well enough to make it to the pro game. He'd obviously dominate in high school, do pretty well in college, but I'm not sure he'd have a long pro career, if he made it at all. I could see him put in a couple years in the NBA and then maybe go to Israel or Spain to ply his trade.
Wayne Rooney
At 5-10, Rooney is definitely on the small side for pro sports in America, but I think, with his speed, strength and desire, he'd be able to make it to at least a cornerback in college football. He's only 22, so I think he could very easily have been red-shirted his freshman year and, by now he'd be a fifth-year senior, viciously knocking down wide receivers, returning punts and trying desperately to make an impression and make it to the NFL. He probably would have been an All-State quarterback in high school, but his size will obviously keep him from that position in the college or pro ranks. Really, his future could be in the Canadian Football League. Little speedsters like Doug Flutie or Rocket Ismail have done pretty well north of the border, so I think Rooney could fit right in. Arena Football would also be an option for him. The NFL, though, is probably a longshot. His true calling on the U.S. sports scene would probably be boxing, but who does that anymore?
posted by Alonzo @ 8:22 AM
1 Comments:
At 4:02 PM,
GT said…
Great Job Awood.... I'm enjoying the blogs. I think you make some great comparisons and while my knowledge of futbol is limited, based on what i know about those players I have to agree.
I think for your NBA section when we start making playoff predictions its important to get input from an expert aka me... so let me know if you need any help with a basketball break down or insight to any west coast action.
I am also always available for input and commentary on the Knicks!
Keep writing Awood your blog is da Shit!!!
Post a Comment
<< Home