Your Fort is Basic Compared to Mine

CERN has activated the Large Hardon Collider! Rejoice fellow carbon-based organisms!

On the real, I have no damn idea what's going on over there under the French/Swiss border and I don't think I'm alone. There are probably scientists working on the project who aren't really clear either. But, it's cool. Apparently, there won't be any notable stuff going down until the fall. So we all got a few more months to read up.

As far as I can tell, scientists are accelerating protons both ways around a giant, underground, circular tube. The particles will eventually nearly reach the speed of light and when they get fast enough they'll collide, cause some explosions reminescent of the big bang, and then . . . ???$#@%#@%#??#$!@$?@#$!@??

Nobody has any damn idea. There could be some dark matter, the good old Higgs boson could make an appearance, new dimensions could open up and some have ominously predicted that tiny black holes could appear that would suck the earth into another dimension. Scientists have assured all those that will listen, that the black hole hypothesis is just not gonna happen. But, if they don't know what will happen, how can they be so sure? Eh? Eh? Eh?

Then, of course, absolutely nothing could happen. Protons speed up and collide and there are no fun explosions, wormholes or new particles to take note of. Needless to say, some poor physicist could lose their job in this instance. If you're gonna spend $8 billion it would be good to have something to show for it. Just ask Donald Rumsfeld.

My take? I think that around late October/early November Usain Bolt will appear in the collider and run the 100 meters in less than eight seconds. That or Michael J. Fox, wearing a puffy vest, will appear and watch himself watch Doc get shot by Libyan terrorists. Word.