The Thugs of the Summer

In the past, I've used the analogy of writing an easy post--something that I'm good at writing about--to get my flow going, just like a jump-shooter making a free throw. Well, this one is a windmill-360 dunk. For those that don't know, I used to do a thug countdown pretty regularly. I stopped a while ago, though, for a variety of reasons. Basically, I had become a bigger thug than anyone I was writing about, so it really didn't work. But, this summer has been so damn thuggish that I had to bring it back.

You can hate me now. But I won't stop now.

First, the anti-thugs:

David Stern and Clay Bennett



I still don't really believe that there won't be a basketball team in Seattle this year. Bennett is absolutely heartless and Stern is even worse, because he let it happen. And then, to name the team the Thunder? It's just disgusting. This team will never win anything in OKC. I got your back, Sonics fans. It won't be long before the Grizzlies or the Bobcats make their way up there.

Now, let's go from 10 to 1:

10. Mario Chalmers and Darrel Arthur



This one is kind of an anti-thug, too, I guess. But this story really showcases what's great about NBA rookies. Forgive me for oversimplifying, but getting high and then going to sit in a room full of your bosses who are telling you not to get high right to your bloodshot eyes is pretty hilarious stuff. Reportedly, Stern was "livid" with the whole situation. I'll always believe that the Commish, while mid-speech at some event, picked them out out of a group of 100, or whatever, grabbed them by their arms and dragged them to their room where he found 8 of their friends smoking blunts and playing NBA2K8


9. Josh Hamilton



I probably care more about Jose Reyes's batting average more than I do about the rest of the players and teams in the MLB, combined. But I gotta give a shout to Hamilton. 28 home runs in a row at Yankee Stadium complementd by a past Permanent Midnight-type episode and some serious flaming forearm tattoos? You got my attention, bro-dawg. Way to trade heroin in for some HGH. All joking aside, though, great story all around.

8. Chad Ocho-Cinco



It's not a hoax, people. Chad has legally changed his last name from Johnson to Ocho Cinco. It says so on Wikipedia. Can't get much more official than that. Really, though, it's not a huge issue, since he can change his name back to Johnson just as easily, if he wants. But at the very least, this will sell several extra jerseys and that's good for everyone. When it comes to eccentric NFL stars, there are dozens worse than Ocho-Cinco. Hopefully the league will finally understand that.

7. Lil' Wayne



For starters, Weezy has replaced Jigga as the most bumped hip-hop artist blaring out of a car stereo in the NYC for the first summer this decade. Maybe longer. I was ridin' around in Jerz before that, so I can't really comment. Also, next time you're at an Indian wedding, throw on "A Milli" and see what happens. And strip clubs.

6. LeBron James



Nothing too extraordinary here. Just the best basketball player on the planet winning a gold medal with his country.

5. Fernando Torres



In a summer football season filled with hype, arrogance and Arab shiekhs with gigantic sums of money, nobody had a more important job than the Spanish striker. And by going out and chipping in a perfect shot in the biggest game of his life, he took the pressure off his team and tens of millions of Spaniards. Nobody did their job with as much cold-blooded class as Torres did this summer. And he has his name tatted on his arm in elfish. Gotta respect that.

4. Barack Obama



A mixed-race son of a Kenyan goat farmer and a teen mother from Kansas, growing up in Hawaii and Indonesia. Blowing coke and smoking pot and documenting that for the world to see. Obama has forced his way into the presidential race through his personality and a populist idea that it's time for a change from typical D.C. politics. It's really hard to imagine a more unlikely candidate for the executive office.

3. Sarah Palin



Oh yeah, there's this crazy lady who likes to shoot wolves from airplanes, has kids named Piper and Trig and once ran with a party that advocated Alaskan independence. I guess that qualifies as a little more unlikely than Obama. Oh, Republicans. What will you do next? I'm just looking forward to the debates where her and Biden are gonna throw down like two starving rabid dogs. It's gonna be ugly. Someone's gonna lose an ear.

2. Michael Phelps



If he weren't most likely a d-bag, he'd be number one on this list. What he did at the Olympics is truly amazing and it's rare that you can say that an athlete did something perfectly. I'm sure he'll be back in London in 2012 for a few more. Word on the street is he wants to try some backstroke events. Hopefully, his mom will have hired a stylist by then. Seriously, the fact that his mom dressed like an older, flashier and color-blind Ric Ocasek every single day at the ol' Water Cube was the most underreported story of Beijing.

1. Usain Bolt



While Phelps broke all kinds of records and won all kinds of medals, he at least faced some pretty stiff competition. I mean, some dude from Hungary almost beat him. Bolt, though, was running his races against himself. He is absolutely super-human and, when we look back on his performance in a decade or so, it could really be the greatest sporting display of all time. Sure, he let up in the 100 meters, but it's his world record to break, nurture, have and hold. He can do whatever he wants to it. If he wants to roll the record up and smoke it a hotel room in Rye Brook, New York with a couple of NCAA champs from Kansas, that's his right. If he wants to rap about it over the "Milli" beat, he can do that, too. He can even officially change his name to World's Fastest Human, Yeah! Arms Flailing, Chest Pound! It was Bolt's summer in 2008. We just paid rent.