The Woodsonian National Institute

2008-07-16T15:36:00.000-07:00

"I don't work, '
Cause I don't have to,
I don't have to work,
There's no work to do."

- Terry Hall, 1979

A Semi-Eucated Euro 2008 Preview (Part V)

2008-06-05T17:41:00.000-07:00

I've put this off long enough.

Semifinals

Portugal vs. Germany

The fact that Portugal does not have a top striker will finally be too much for them to overcome. At this point in the tourney, C. Ronaldo is probably one tired douchebag. Yeah. I said it. The Germans, meanwhile, have four or five first-class options up front. Not to mention a strong defense and a creative and solid midfield. Sure, Jens Lehman is a nutjob but so was Barthez. I think he can hold it down back there.

Germany advances.

France vs. Russia

I think Russia could give an early scare but I see France pulling this one out. It's tempting to go with Russia and put the darkhorse all the way in the finals, but the French, I think, have been quietly building something special. Conventional wisdom would say that the loss of Zidane would have a negative effect on a team, but there's enough young talent and veteran leadership that'll make up for the bald man. I see this one being a high-scoring affair. Nevertheless, the experienced team will make it through

France advances.

Final

Germany vs. France

Germany will be the favorite in this match-up, and rightfully so. But I think the French have that special quality right now and, picking the favorites is pretty damn boring. Right? This team feels like a squad that knows that this is really their last chance for a while. In 2010, they might just be too young. In 2012 and 2014, it's anybody's guess. Though the big man is no longer on the pitch, this is is still the last chance for the Zidane generation. Germany is sill rising and they'll be even tougher in two or four years. I don't think, in this final, they'll be playing with the same desperation.

France are Euro 2008 Champions.

You heard it here.

A Semi-Educated Euro 2008 Preview Part IV

2008-05-31T22:11:00.000-07:00

After parts one , two and three, must come four. Here's where I get super-hypothetical and predict games that aren't even scheduled yet. That's right. Let's do this.

Quarter Finals

Winner A vs. Runner-Up B - Portugal vs. Croatia

This one could turn into something of a dog-fight. Both squads are young and hungry. And in the Austrian/Swiss summer heat that combo could turn into feistiness pretty quickly. With bodies and cards flying around, it may just come down to the best player on the field. And that will be Cristiano Ronaldo

Portgual advances.

Winner B vs. Runner-Up A - Germany vs. Turkey

Germany should roll through this match-up just like they rolled through the group stages. Their (relative) home-court advantage and their overall class and talent will just be too much for the Turks. This could be an easy one for the Germans.

Germany advances.

Winner C vs. Runner-Up D - Italy vs. Russia

As good as Italy is, this could be the year that their core finally gets a little too old. And Russia is just the squad to pick them off. The Italians, will, of course, be looking to play defensive but the Russians won't have it. With their pace and creativity, Russia will run Italia off the pitch. Book it.

Russia advances.

Winner D vs. Runner-up C - Spain vs. France

Full disclosure, I originally had France winning Group C, but these two match-ups work a lot better for the sake of continuity. I really think this could be France's year. And I can't have them going up against my darkhorse pick. OK? Anyway, a Spain-France match is always fun and this one could go down as one of the top games in the tournament. If it does go down. I see France outlasting the Spanish, of course.

France advances.

This leaves a final four of:

Portugal, Germany, Russia and France.

A Semi-Educated Euro 2008 Preview Part III

2008-05-31T21:42:00.001-07:00

I hope you've enjoyed this one and this one. Let's finish off the groups.

Group D

Greece: As we all know, Greece pulled off the upset of the century with their Euro 2004 victory. Can they do it again? I don't think anyone that's not Greek is really tipping them to do big things this go-round. They are known to have a defensive style which bodes well for tournaments. And, like Turkey, they got a lot of ballers in the same few teams in the Greek League so, yeah, familiarity.

Spain: Arguably the most prolific and talented team in the tournament, but until they make it to the medal rounds of a big tournament, it's hard to pick them to really go far. Still, the likes of Cesc Fabregas, Fernando Torres, Sergio Ramos and Iker Cassilas can't be counted out. They're all young players, too, so they shouldn't even be concentrating on the bad memories that the country has stored away. They should be thinking about their own legacy. If this collection of ballers were wearing any shirt other than the Spanish one, I think they'd be the consensus choice for the champs.

Russia: True story: I watched a Euro 2008 qualifier between Russia and Macedonia. And the Russians are a speedy, talented, fun-ass team. They, famously, outlated the English to make it to the big dance and with Guus Hiddink they have a tactician that ranks up there with any manager in the tournament. A bunch of the team plays for Zenit St. Petersburg so maybe that club's UEFA Cup win will give them some momentum. Yep, I'm streching. This team is my darkhorse pick.

Sweden: The Swedes always show up for these big tourneys and they often do better than anyone expected. But, I don't think this is their year. Sure, with Zlatan Ibrahimovic, they got one of the top strikers on the continent, but the call-up of Heinrik Larsson just seems a little desperate. I love big homey, but he's 36 and he can't even tear it up in the Swedish League.

Prediction: Spain never seems to have trouble in the group stages, so they should be through. The second team out of this group could really go in all three directions. Greece is the defending champs, of course and Sweden probably has the most European experience. But Russia seems to be a squad that's peaking at the right time.

Spain and Russia advance.

A Semi-Educated Euro 2008 Preview Part II

2008-05-29T16:35:00.000-07:00

That last one was a rousing success, no? Let's keep it going.
Group C

Before we get going, I just gotta say, this group is a doozy. My god.

Romania: This team's always got some good young attacking firecrackers. And with Adrian Mutu, they got a humungously talented sometimes coke-headed offensive lynchpin. So you can't count them out of any competition. Unless they're grouped with three absolute behemoths. Which they happen to be. Good luck, guys!

France: You might be tempted to write this team off as too old, with the likes of Henry, Viera, Mackele and Thuram still anchoring the squad. But, in fact, they might have the best mix of young and new talent at the tournament. Franck Ribery is so good that Zidane might not even be missed. Lassana Diarra might be the next great French holding midfielder and Karim Benzema might be the next great French offensive talent. This team can turn it on at any time and ride their momentum right into the final four.

Italy: Italy has not exactly brought out the young athletes for this tournament, but they have so many straight-up ballers, that they're a top pick anyway. Pirlo, Gattusso, Toni, Del Piero, we all know what they can bring on the international stage. And they have Superman Gianluigi Buffon manning the net. They might be the team that everyone is least looking forward to playing. For a 90 minute, grind-it-out, tournmanet game, it's hard to pick against them.

Netherlands: This team is the wild-card of the tourney. They have as much talent as anyone, but something's not quite right about them. Having two veteran leaders--Clarence Seedorf and Mark Van Bommel--just quit on the manager, Marco Van Basten is not a good sign. But with young guys like Sneijder, Van Persie and Robben and deadly veterans like Van Nistelrooy and the wily Edwin Van der Sar still around, this team could do some things. Or Van Basten could refuse to play Ruud against Italy after the two have an argument about who is better-looking and the whole damn thing falls apart.

My Prediction: I'm gonna go with my gut and say the whole damn thing falls apart and Netherlands loses once or twice. Romania, while an extreme longshot to finish in the top two, is perfectly capable of beating any of these teams. But I still see France and Italia sliding through. I'd like to go out on more of a limb, but those two teams, while they might ultimately be a little too old to take it all, are built for these tournaments.

France and Italy advance.

A Semi-Educated Euro 2008 Preview, Part I

2008-05-21T18:07:00.001-07:00

I'm not Avram Grant or anything over here,

but I'd like to think I've picked up a thing or two about soccer in the past couple years. And, of course, I think we're all looking forward to the Euro 2008. So, here's a stab at a multi-part preview of next month's tournament.

Let's go in alphabetical order.

Group A

Czech Republic: This team is always ranked something ridiculous--right now they're 6--and, though, they haven't won big at the tournaments, they're always a threat to get to the Semi-Finals. This team strikes me as a little old, though. Jan Koller is probably a grandfather and Pavel Nedved doesn't even feel like making the trip. Tomas Rosicky is out, and he wears the number 10 jersey for them. Not a number you want missing. The Czechs are good enough to make things interesting, but they're not dynamic enough to really do anything serious this go-round.

Portugal: They were runners-up at the 2004 Euros, they finished fourth in the 2006 World Cup. This really could be their year. They have the best player in the world in C. Ronaldo, but they are also loaded at nearly every other position. Roberto Carvalho, Ricardo Quaresma, Jose Bosingwa, Deco, Nani; Portugal's got some straight-up ballers. Maniche, maybe their most consistent player in 2006, didn't even make the cut. Anything less than the title will be a disappiontment to this crew.

Switzerland: While not as pathetic as Austria, it's safe to say the Swiss might not have made the Finals if they weren't hosting it. They put together some nice defensive performances in '06, but since then, they haven't been up to much. I guess. I haven't really been checking the Switzerland box scores. Prove me wrong, boys!

Turkey: From what I've seen of the Turkish diaspora in the European leagues, they are some tricky dudes. And a dozen of them play for the same two club teams back in the homeland, so they got the whole familiarity thing going for them. They also came out of nowhere to grab 4th place at the 2002 World Cup. Good enough for me.

My Prediction: Portugal is just gonna slap everybody around. Everybody is gonna slap Switzlerand around. So it'll really come down to the Turkey-Czech match, by my calculations. Unfortunately for the old-ass Czechs, that's the last game of the round. So those speedy young Turks could prove too much in that fixture and sneak into thequarterfinals.

Portgual and Turkey advance.

Group B

Poland: This team lost 3-0 at home to the damn Americans. That's pretty much the absolute worst way for a team to prepare for the Euro Cup. Still, word on the street, is that the Poles can put some numbers on the board, when they're so inclined. But, seriously, the U.S. national team in Krakow.

Austria: Austria may be the worst team to ever qualify for the Euros. How bad are they? A proud Austrian dude I know advocated this idea: Forgo the traditional obligatory host entry and let another team have the spot. England, Serbia, Scotland, Iceland Faroe Islands; there's gotta be some other team that deserves to be in the tourney just a bit more.

Croatia: This squad is gonna be a popular darkhorse pick in this tournament. You gotta love how they just marched into Wembley and cold-bloodedly smashed England's dreams. The loss of Brazil-born Eduardo is sure to be a blow, but they got enough firepower to blast their way intot he next round.

Germany: If I were a betting man, my money might ultimately be on Deutchland. They got as much talent as anyone, they finished 3rd in 2006, their players seem to be just the right age, with Michael Ballack they got one of the premier leaders in world football and they're playing just around the corner in Austria and Switzerland. Once the hosts get eliminated, all the drunk, neutral, German-speaking fans will instinctively root for guys named Bastian Schweinsteiger and Torsten Frings. Add on four or five outright scoring machines and this team is as dangerous as it gets.

Prediction: I guess Poland could make it interesting, but, really Germany and Croatia should advance fairly easily. The real drama in this group will be guessing Austria's goal differential. I'm going with -10.

Germany and Croatia advance.

Peace, Suns!

2008-05-07T16:53:00.000-07:00

I realize I'm late on this but I just felt I had to say "later" to the Phoenix Suns.

I don't want to bite an ESPN writer but I saw a headline when the Shaq trade went down that really is the best way to describe it. It might even have been the way I would describe it if I were a headline writer for the Worldwide Leader.

The Suns sold their soul for the chance of an NBA title.

I know I'm in the minority, but I believe Steve Kerr when he said that D'Antoni was a bigger proponent of the Shaq trade than he was. I can just see Mike D sitting there year after year losing out to Duncan and the more traditional halfcourt Spurs big man system and getting frustrated. Not giving a damn anymore about fun. He had that back in 2005 and 2006. He just needed to, finally, win the title before Nash gave out. And fun teams don't win the title these days. Since the Jordan era ended, the title has gone through only Duncan, Shaq and Larry Brown. (Prove me wrong, Kobe! Prove me wrong!)

So, D'Antoni finally succumbed to this and, along with Kerr, he gambled. And they lost. And now he has to leave. Kerr hasn't fired D'Antoni because he understands this. Both are former multiple-time champions in different settings, chasing the ring again. And its not a question, of can D'Antoni do do this job anymore. Of course he can. He's still a great coach. he just can't go back. What he used to have has burned down. He needs a find a new home.

Really, its all been downhill since the Spurs beat the Suns in 2005. Within months, Joe Johnson was gone and Amare Stoudemire was micro-fractured. Yes, Black Jesus has made a spectacular recovery, but do you remember what he did in the 2005 playoffs?

In a simpler time, in a distant land, I wrote this after the 2005 Western Conference Finals:

Amare Stoudemire rules the world. Check these stats for for the recently-concluded 5-game series against the Spurs:

37 ppg . . . 9.8 rpg . . . 1.6 bpg . . . 55% fg . . . 84% ft

And, of course, these numbers were compiled playing out-of-position and going up against Tim Duncan, one of the best defensive big men ever. And look at that free-throw shooting. This dude is ice-cold. It's obvious that he relishes pressure and big games. Even though the Suns lost and even if the Spurs win it all, I think we'll all remember this postseason as the time when we really learned that Amare will dominate the league for years and years and years. We already know how great Duncan is, but Amare showed the world that he has the potential to be even better and have a more iconic and electric career. Either way, I look forward to watching these two duke it out for the next 5-10 years.

Amare was vaulting up to a level we had never imagined. While he is still really really good, great, Hall of Fame-caliber, a monster, you wouldn't say he's the G.O.A.T. In June 2005, I was just about ready to.

Throw in more losses to the Spurs, injuries, more trades, Boris Diaw, etc., etc., and the Suns, as they ended this season, aren't in the same ballpark as the 2004-2005 Suns. They're not even playing the same sport.

D'Antoni fiddled around with the basic formula until it was broke. Grant Hill might've been the last straw, but trading The Matrix for Big Diesel just put a damn blowtorch to the smoked-out ruins, if you'll allow me to mix metaphors.

The Suns go into next year with as old and as slow a team as anyone in the league. Watching them play the Spurs, they seemed like just a normal, grind-it-out team. But the Spurs are the ultimate grind-it-out team. That was never going to work.

Nash, Shaq and Hill are seriously old. Tony Parker going up against Nash wasn't even a contest. I really wouldn't have done much worse checking Tony. The only way to mask that definiency is to run the other team to death. Something you just can't do with the Big Cactus taking up $20 million of your salary cap.

D'Antoni just can't face this anymore. I can't either.

Goodbye, Suns. Keep in touch.

Let Me Put You On The Game

2008-03-21T15:26:00.000-07:00

I've heard this Woodsonian Family Parable several times. I think it bears repeating:

Way back in the day, there was a young boy who got a nice, shiny, expensive football for Chistmas. Of course, as any young boy would, he wanted to go right outside and play with it.

So, he took his younger brother and went to the backyard that Christmas morning and they threw the leather ball around. It was fun.

One of the older brother's spirals, which were exceptionally strong for a kid of his age, happened to go through his brother's hands, strike a tree and then fall to the cold hard ground.

The older boy ran over to fetch it up. He examined the ball, worried about what he might find. And sure enough, he saw it. A tiny little smudge on the tip of the ball. Just a little scratch, probably, from the tree bark.

To anyone else's eyes, this wouldn't have looked like anything but a nice, shiny, expensive, new football. Just a little smaller then regulation.

To the boy, though, it was tarnished. He had to act fast and clean it up. So he ran inside and found a rag, put some rubbing alcohol or whatnot on it and scrubbed the scratch.

Only the scratch didn't come off and didn't get better. It turned to a dot of beige discoloration on the brand new football on Chistmas morning.

Still, it was only a tiny dot. The boy could go out and throw the ball around with any football fan, young or old, and they would think nothing of it. Even if they did, it was a damn football from the untamed streets and backyards of North Jersey! Of course, it would have a scratch or two on it.

But, in the boy's mind, it could still be salvaged and still be the best, shiniest, newest football of any street or backyard in the whole world. So he scrubbed some more, thinking the dot would magically turn back and be perfect. But the dot, of course, got bigger and bigger and bigger.

Soon it wasn't just a dot and was, instead, the whole front quarter of the football.

At this point, though, the boy then decided that it would make more sense to just keep scrubbing. Instead of having a football that was three quarters shiny and new and one quarter scratched and discolored, it would be better to have it all one way. And the football couldn't be un-scratched or un-discolored, he reasoned.

So he went about rubbing even more color and leather gripping off the ball, until, it was uniform and, effectively, ruined.

It wasn't long before he realized that he had overreacted to the initial scratch. But there was nothing he could do now.

Game over.

This being a family parable, I can relate to the young boy's struggle. And I would imagine that most people can, to some degree.

Peace, Kidd!

2008-02-20T17:05:00.001-08:00

As one of the eight New Jersey Nets fans on this planet, I'd be remiss if I didn't spare a few words about Jason Kidd moving on from the Swamp.

I remember the Marbury for Kidd swap like it was yesterday. It was a summer night, I was out at a friend's house and I got a call from my homeslice Reason informing me of the trade. At first, I wasn't too happy.

It was just a month or so after Allen Iverson led his Sixers all the way to the NBA Finals. Moody shoot-first point guards could lead their teams to the promised land, I thought. But, a poor-shooting, wife-beating Magic Johnson wanna-be? No way.

Of course, I had yet to be convinced of the genius of Rod Thorn and less than a year later I was bounding around my dorm room as Ason dropped clutch-shot after clutch-shot against Reggie "Dunk Machine" Miller and his Indiana Pacers.

From then on, I was a true Kidd believer. I let his glaring character issues roll off right off my back. As long as he was clocking triple-doubles, he was the face of my proud underappreciated franchise.

But, before long, all of his bagge--the numerous trade requests, nightclub gropings, odd cliched press interviews, continual wife-beating allegations, T.J.'s freakish head--was too much. Just get this damn guard out of Jersey. And now, mercifully and with the help of the boy Keith Van Horn, Rod Thorn has.

Respect

But this trade comes at an unforseen juncture in my life. Like the aforementioned Starbury, I don't have much use for the NBA this year. I know that it's about as competitive a league as it's ever been. LeBron is the player nobody even dared to dream could exist. Nate Robinson is throwing cups of water in the face of fat self-destructive power forwards. And my Nets are flush with cash, draft picks and cute young point guards. Yet it's just not clicking anymore.

The new-look Lakers and Suns are tipping off in 45 minutes and I'd rather go swimming at the Y in Park Slope and watch The Bourne Supremacy.

I can't explain it. I'm sorry.

The Passion of Marshall Mathers

2008-01-17T17:55:00.000-08:00

I stil remember the day I first heard The Marshall Mathers LP. I can't say that about too many (or maybe any) other albums. As a male suburban teeanger in the 90s, I was, of course, a connoisieur of objectionable lyrics. But "Mathers" was the apex of it all:

"You god damn right BITCH, and now it's too late
I'm triple platinum and tragedies happen in two states"

More than that, though, it was the work of true passion and genius. Jokes are fun and all, but let's not forget, a year after this came out, he performed with Elton John at the Grammys.

Now reports are fliying left and right that Em is over 200 pounds, sitting at home all day eating steak and hanging out and playing video games with what's left of Ronald Dupree's crew.

Even Bizarre is like, "Nah, I'm not really fucking with Em anymore."

Is this the price that it costs to put out something like Marshall Mathers?

It's like studying the long-term effects of some new form of medical treatment. It's not knowable. There's never really been a case study like this. The article above compares Em's plight with that of Elvis.

While their downfalls, on the surface, seem to be similar on many levels, Elvis never put out an album as inflammatory and personal as Eminem did.

Of course, Elvis' music was pretty cutting-edge and controversial at the time and his overall fame volume was greater than Eminem's will ever be, but he wasn't part of your family. He ate lots of fried banana sandwiches and shot guns at TV's and took pills. Did the average person know a whole lot more than that about the King in the 70s?

Also, I don't think his mom ever sued him.

Maybe if Em held back just a little on something like "Kill You," "Stan" or "Kim" he could've held on to a little more of himself.

That would've denied us all great works of art, but maybe, now, 10 years later, he'd be able to put pen to paper. Maybe he wouldn't be so scared of what words will come out and what they'll do to, not only his millions of fans, but also his friends and family. I can't think of an entertainer, dead or alive, that has stakes as high as Em's.

Is it worth it? That's not for me to decide right now.

Argentina

2008-01-03T08:54:00.000-08:00

The Best American XI

2007-10-22T19:20:00.002-07:00

I guess you could say I'm more into soccer than any other sport these days. That could all change once the Roland L. League of Champions starts up, but these days, I'm more intrigued by names like Cesc Fabregas and Lionel Messi.

To be a soccer fan in the U.S., though, is a kind of futile endeavour. We could win the World Cup before I'm 80, but it's not too likely. The biggest obstacle, of course, is that our best athletes will always play another sport. Football, basketball, even baseball; if you're a true athlete in America and you don't have a wacky dad from Italy who hits on high school girls at family parties, these are the sports you'll go for.

But don't take my word for it. After losing to a Brazilian team filled with the likes of Ronaldinho and Kaka, some of the most graceful pure athletes in the world, and thugs like Alex and Gilberto Silva, tight ends in the NFL if they were born in Akron and took HGH, Landon Donovan had this to say:

"You just saw the best 18 athletes in Brazil, probably, playing. We might have Nos. 75 through 100 of the best athletes in America, if even that. The others are playing other sports."

Thanks, brah.

So this got me thinking, if the best of what the U.S. had to offer had grown up with a soccer ball at their feet instead of a football, basketball or steroid needle/baseball in their hands, who would we trot out there against Robinho and Afonso Alves?

Here's my starting team and some top subs, playing in a 4-4-2 formation:

Goalie: Tim Howard

I'll give it to the Everton keeper in this case. Howard's one of the best in the world, by any account. He's played solidly in the Premier League for many years. He's big, tough, smart and a good leader. I really have no basis to say Shawn Marion or Ben Wallace or etc. would actually be a better option. This job is yours to lose, Timmy.

Center Back: Roy Williams

Just the fact that I'm putting a Cowboy on here should let you know what I think about the King of the Horse Collars. He is a truly intimidating player who always puts his stamp on a game. Not that this team will really need it, but he'd be the enforcer, the last dude back who'd die for his goalie.

Center Back: Raja Bell

I was tempted to put Ron Artest back here, but he may be a smidge too tall for a soccer field. Raja is pretty much the perfect size for a center back and, most importantly, he just loves to defend. Like Roy, he'll also mix it up, but with his height and ability to score, he can also push up on corners and whatnot.

Side Back: Bob Sanders

His lack of height, obviously, won't hurt him on the soccer field. He'll just stay in his winger's face for the entire game, win balls and always look for a way to move it upfield. I'm sure you could replace Sanders with many other safety or cornerback in the NFL, but I'm not watching any of them on TV right now.

Side Back: Brian Westbrook

I know he's not a defender, but something about his build makes me think he'd be suited for moving up and down the wings. Although he's comfortable scoring and making the big play, he's not the flashiest dude and he'd absolutely excel at any type of supporting role. With his speed and strength, he'd be tough to get past.

Left Wing: Allen Iverson

On his club team, AI would be the focal point of the attack, but I'd like to think he'd fall back and play on the wings for my squad. He's faster than almost anybody in the world dribbling a basketball, so it's not a stretch to see him doing the same with a soccer ball. He'd be a natural on either side of the midfield making the most of the space on the wings and then cutting in or even delivering a cross. His underrated passing ability would be on full display.

Right Wing: LaDanian Tomlinson

LDT could pretty much play any position on a soccer field or, for that matter, a football field or a basketball court. Putting him on the right side of the midfield is basically giving him carte blanche. Give him space and let him operate. If he wants to shoot, pass or just dribble for a bit and tire out whomever is defending him, he really can't do any wrong.

Holding/Defensive Midfielder: Jason Kidd

In his younger years, Kidd was Zinedine Zidane. The maestro of any attack and the undisputed leader of whatever team was on the field with on the field. In his later age, though, I see him in more of a Patrick Viera role. The backbone of any attack, the older, calming influence of what will certainly be a frenzied attack and brutal defense from these upstart young Americans. Kidd would be the eye of the storm.

Attacking Midfielder: Dwyane Wade

Wade would be perfect for this role, just setting up/cleaning up for the strikers up top. In the Association, Dwyane can begin or end any play, no matter what situation or what player may be in front of him. As the team's number 10, he'll be a consistent and tireless attacker who always knows when to take a long-range shot, sneak up and steal a goal or fall back and let his strikers or even Kidd, his partner in the center of the field, take over a play.

Striker: Chad Johnson

Chad actually played soccer back in high school and, if I remember reading the article correctly, he could've gone pro, but the money in the NFL is a little bit better than the MLS. Didier Drogba is his favorite player and I see him filling a similar role on this squad. He's got the height and strength to dominate any defender and score in many ways, but he's also got the skill and grace to play off the other attackers.

Striker: Kobe Bryant

We all know he can jump so at the very worst he'll be Peter Crouch with a much better work ethic. But with his skills and intelligence, not to mention pretty ridiculous size, a supernatural athletic ability and a genuine love of scoring, he could be one of the best soccer players we'd ever see. You could say his height may work against him, but Kobe's the type of athlete that would make that work for him. He'd be able to post up and shield smaller defenders and on many plays, just act as a decoy and let dudes like Wade or LDT run around him. And on corners and crosses his jumping would be impossible to defend.

Let's take a look at this:

--------------Bryant----C.Johnson---------------
--------------------Wade------------------------
----AI--------------------------------LDT-------
--------------------Kidd------------------------
-----Sanders--------------------Westbrook-------
-----------R.Williams-------Bell----------------
--------------------Howard----------------------

Not bad, eh?

Top Subs:

Devin Hester

He'd be your instant offense in a tight game. I'm pretty sure that nobody in the world can catch this guy. You could put him on the wings or even take out a side back for him and just watch him go.

Amare Stoudemire

If you're really desperate for a goal, Amare could be your guy. Over a full game, his height would be a liability, but in short bursts, I'm sure he could get it done.

Brian Dawkins

He'd be a pretty suitable replacement for Williams or Bell in the back.

Chris Paul/Deron Williams

These two are in the running for the Jason Kidd role on the team once he inevitably retires from international competition. Deron would have the size to be more of a defensive option whereas Paul would be a tricky center midfielder like Riquelme or Deco who can control the game and make opponents hate themselves.

Reggie Bush

Like LDT, I could also see him play in any position on the field. He's more of a natural in terms of attacking, but on a team like this, his athleticism could be more valuable on defense.

Marvin Harrison

I probably wouldn't think of him if I weren't watching the Colts right now, but he'd be a good option in the midfield if you're looking for a change of pace from dudes like Wade, LDT or AI. He's steady, smart and would know what to do with the ball.

Antonio Gates

With his great hands, size and overall athletic ability, he'd be a suitable backup for Tim Howard.

That's my squad. Who did I miss?

If You Can't See the Angles No More . . . . . . . . . . . You're in Trouble

2007-07-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

I Get Money: The Summertime Banger We All Deserve

2007-07-16T09:40:00.000-07:00

50-Cent's latest track, "I Get Money," is everywhere. Pretty much every car that I passed in Brooklyn and the L.E.S. this weekend was blasting it and the song is the talk of the Interwebs.

To unfairly generalize, the track has divided the pundits into three camps: those that hate it because it's a rip-off of Cassidy's "I'm A Hustla,"--and make no mistake it is--those that love it in spite of this fact and those that really don't care about Cass nor really know who Audio Two is. They are mostly intrigued by the drums.

Me? Well, I think it really is a bit troubling that the biggest and best song of the summer is the same as the best song of the Fall of 2004 (I think). But the track is hot to death and the Vitamin Water line is an instant classic.

"I take quarter water sold it in bottles for 2 bucks/Coca-Cola came and bought it for billions, what the fuck? "

And to those that are complaining about the ubiquity of the track, well, I see your point. But this is what we get.

Hip-hop is morally, creatively and financially bankrupt (an original point, I know), which makes this track--with a beat blatantly derivative of a hit that came earlier, with a line as blatantly money-grubbing as "I get money," taken from possibly the most-sampled song in hip-hop history, from an artist as blatantly excessive and downright Republican as Fiddy--perfect for this disgusting summer. Add on some eerie, whirring melody that just underscores the fact that 50 may not even enjoy making money, have Flex drop a bomb on that and you've got some serious heat for the NYC's sweaty summer streets.

What could anyone possibly expect? When the headlining acts of a concert designed to save humanity have been around for longer than the best rapper alive has (purportedly) been alive, there's big trouble on the cultural landscape. Compound that with the fact that nobody's buying records, especially of the hip-hop variety, and the climate's perfect for a bloodsucker with old money (by rap standards) living in a convicted rapist's old oversized mansion in Connecticut to swoop in and save the day.

I'm just as guilty as anyone. I can't deny it. I really really like "I Get Money." Watching the video this morning while sipping Vitamin Water, no less, I got chills.

Why? I'm still trying to figure it out.

I'm convinced that 50 is a huge reason for the downfall of hip-hop. I should be boycotting everything he touches. He's capitalizing on everything wrong with the genre and his peoples and he's intelligent enough to know that he's doing it. We hip-hop fans will look back on this era in ten years or so the way Eastern Europeans look at 1946 through roughly 1989. How did we let it get this bad? Was there anything we could've done differently?

In any case, for now, we've lost bad, real bad, and "I Get Money" is our consolation prize. This song is unequivocally the song of "now."

Only Love Kills War, When Will They Learn?

2007-06-19T14:41:00.000-07:00

My 25 Favorite Hip-Hop Albums of All Time

2007-05-02T18:00:00.001-07:00

For those that may not know, Joey at Straight Bangin dropped this post a while ago and I thought I'd chime in. I think I read somewhere that you're only "allowed" to have one album per artist on this. Well, I did that and I didn't do that.

Oh, and word to Gennaro Gattusso.

1. Nas - Illmatic

Right up there with Sgt. Pepper and Handel's Messiah as one of the greatest musical achievments of all time. Seriously.

2. Raekwon - Only Built 4 Cuban Linx

Someone in some comments section called this "the White Album of hip-hop." Pretty apt comparison, if you ask me. That's right. Two Beatles references in a row.

3. Public Enemy - It Takes A Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back

I don't think there ever be another political hip-hop album this good or this influential. Get off the rock, Flav

4. Wu Tang Clan - Enter the Wu Tang: 36 Chambers

Nine top-rate MCs on one album? With beats by RZA? All recorded on a 4-track in some basement in Staten Island? Somehow this album is still underrated. Even by me. I almost had this at 7 before I smacked myself in the face.

5. A Tribe Called Quest - The Low End Theory

I'll never get tired of this album. I'll be playing this to my grandkids.

6. Genius/GZA - Liquid Swords

If it weren't for this, I'd probably be wearing black eyeliner and have sleeves on both arms by now. Thank you, GZA.

7. Dr. Dre - The Chronic

Sure people cursed on record before, but this opened the floodgates. And the production was like nothing hip-hop had seen before. I once wrote, that hip-hop before this were black and white and this one was in color.

8. Jay-Z - Reasonable Doubt

Along with numbers 1 and 2, this is the height of dark atmospheric NYC mid-90s street hip-hop. I see dark blues and rainy nights when I listen to these albums. No other way to put it.

9. Ghostface Killah - Supreme Clientele

With references to Queen Elizabeth, Ted Koppel and Larry Johnson, Even the cover of this album blew my damn mind.

10. Outkast - Aquemini

Besides the pop hits, the more artistic side of this album took a while to grow on me. But now I wonder what the fuck was wrong with me. The first 3/4 of Stankonia also gets a shout-out.

11. A Tribe Called Quest - Midnight Marauders

Looks like we've found the greatest hip-hop group of all time.

12. De La Soul - 3 Feet High and Rising/Gravediggaz - 6 Feet Deep

You could say these albums are complete opposites. But you could also say these both come courtesy of Prince Paul and represent some of the most creative sounds/ideas in hip-hop history. Plus, you think these album titles were merely a coincidence? 3 Feet High was a whole new sound and set new standards for sampling. It also ended up as the first sacrificial lamb in the copyright battle that still rages in the genre. 6 Feet Deep took hardcore hip-hop to its logical dark and scary conclusion and managed to be damn catchy at the same time.

13. DJ Shadow - Endtroducing...

If you don't think this is a hip-hop album, then I don't want to be your friend.

14. Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP

If I ever were to make an argument against cursing and vulgarity in music, this would be exhibit A and B. Who else could mix an ode to Rakim with a shout-out to the Columbine killers and still have a job a decade later? It's a testament to his talent.

15. Mobb Deep - Hell on Earth/Infamous

Even Prodigy and Havoc mix these albums up. This shit is hardbody and thorough.

16. Notorious B.I.G. - Ready to Die

Blasphemous! I put this album at 16! Although this is a great album, I could even put this a lot lower. It's just not sequenced as well as it could be. Of course, I blame Diddy. Had Biggie lived, he might be the G.O.A.T.

17. Cypress Hill - Cypress Hill

This album is always overlooked and it kind of pisses me off. DJ Muggs really laid the groundwork for a good portion of hardcore 90s hip-hop with this album. And B-Real and Sen Dog are no joke.

18. Jay-Z - The Blueprint

If this album were a little older, I'd probably have it higher. Just like with Reasonable Doubt, Jigga gets crazy with the mood music on this one.

19. Eric B. & Rakim - Paid in Full

Rakim is the undisputed champion of MCing and, for that matter, of life, so you'd expect this one to be higher. But some of the beats by "Eric B." make me want to throw up a little.

20. Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique/Hello Nasty

These get overlooked because, let's face it, the B-Boys write some corny-ass raps. Stripped of fucking incredible beats on 5 Boroughs, this became painfully obvious and it therfore taints the Boys' entire catalog, which, 5 years ago, I'd be tempted to put all over this list. That said, the production on these two facendolas is unequivocably bananas.

21. KRS-One - Return of the Boom Bap

Admittedly, I haven't listened to Criminal Minded enough and I'm doing 80 push-ups later to make up for this fact. But this one, I'm all over. KRS is one intense dude and this album exemplifies that to the fullest. Plus, it has the best weed-smoking song of all time, by far.

22. MF DOOM - Operation Doomsday

If I were to record a hip-hop album, I'd probably just follow this one's format word for word.

23. Big L - Lifestylez Ov Da Poor and Dangerous

If it weren't for "Street Struck" this would be a lot higher. I got about as much of a problem with that track as I do with the name Dwyane. Also a "v" in "of"? Who does that? Anyway, L was one of the greatest lyricists of all time, no doubt. This one has a ridiculous hot line per minute ratio.

24. Madvillian - Madvilliany/Jaylib - Champion Sound

I guess it's a cop-out to link these two albums, but, guess what? I just did it. Madlib seems to put MCs at ease. Probably because of pot.

25. Clipse - Hell Hath No Fury

It's too early to tell, but this album sure feels like a classic.

Peace!

2007-04-17T10:13:00.001-07:00

R.I.P. Kurt Vonnegut

2007-04-12T08:24:00.000-07:00

Tim Hardaway is Gay

2007-02-15T09:14:00.000-08:00

There's just no other explanation.

2006-07 Thuggin' Western All-Stars

2007-01-30T15:58:00.000-08:00

First, an apology to my roll-dawg Vince Carter.

I kept him off the Thuggin' Eastern All-Stars and then he goes and drops 30+ on two very decent Western teams, capping it all off with an insane buzzer-beater in Utah. I still think he might not make the coaches' cut, but he made mine.

Sorry Joe Johnson.

Maybe next year.

Point Guard: Steve Nash

This is his MVP year. If he were playing any other sport, reporters would be rifling through his locker looking for syringes. I'm really not suggesting that he's on anything, but that's the only way I can describe the level he's playing at.

Shooting Guard: Kobe Bryant

Still the best pure basketball player in the universe, it seems as if he's finally shed the superstar who doesn't make his teammates better tag, which I've long thought was bullshit. And it's a testament to his hard work that he's also shooting a career-best 47% while Captain Ass-Clown is the first center on his squad's depth chart,

instead of Big Dies.

Small Forward: Carmelo Anthony

I'm not holding it against him that he popped Mardy Collins in his grill. We need more of that in the NBA. Especially at MSG. The fact that he ran away all Namond Brice-like afterwards hurts his credibility a bit. But, really, if he had stayed there and fought, a riot might have started. Plus, Jared Jeffries really seemed like he lost it and he seems like the serial killer type. The best part of the fight, though, is that when Melo gets to center court with various Knicks chasing, you see Nene emerge from the bench and everything stops.

Surprisingly, nobody but Bill Simmons has mentioned this. But that move is just beyond gully. Its the NBA equivalent of Young Buck shivving the dude who smacked Dre at the Vibe Awards.

So, yeah. Melo gets the start in my book. He keeps raising his game, yada, yada, yada.

Power Forward: Dirk Nowitzki

What a fucking season for the big guy. It's a travesty that Nowitzki and Nash both didn't get voted in as starters, but that's what happens when the majority of voters are under 10 and/or live under a totalitarian regime that's only allowed to watch Rockets game. Dirk is just unstoppable this year. He doesn't miss, he's rebounding better than ever and he's passing more and more. He might be the most impossible player to guard because every play he's just as likely to drive to the hoop as he is to pull up for a mid-range or drain a three. And he's got that look in his eyes this year.

Wait a second . . . So does Steve Nash!

Center: Tim Duncan

Calling Duncan a power forward is the biggest scam in the league. Maybe I don't understand the game as well as Doug Collins, but why exactly is he not a center? Because Gregg Popovich says so? Look, Pop is most likely a Soviet spy who got stuck in Texas when communism fell,

He doesn't wear a tie half the time, he spells "Greg" with two g's, he's well-read and culturally aware and we're supposed to believe that he's a basketball coach in San Antonio? It just doesn't add up. So, when he pencils Duncan in at the 4 and David Robinson is not on the floor, don't buy it. Duncan's a center; the most consistent one on the planet.

Reserves: Allen Iverson, Deron Williams, Tracy McGrady, Ray Allen, Shawn Marion, Kevin Garnett, Amare Stoudemire (That was one of the toughest things I've ever done.)

2006-07 Thuggin' Eastern All Stars

2007-01-27T12:43:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the new place. I hope you like it.

Anyway, it's that time of year again. It's great because you really can spend the whole day reading trade rumors. This year, especially, if you're a fan of the Nets.

You'll notice Vince is conspicuously absent from my list, the fans' and, I'd guess, the coaches'. He is still avereaging 25, 5 and 5, so he probably deserves a spot. But Kidd, who has more triple-doubles this year than the entire league combined, is a lock. And you can't have two All-Stars from a losing team. So, All-Star weekend without Vince Carter. Gonna be a little weird.

Let's do this.

Eastern Conference

Point Guard: Gilbert Arenas

While I still think Jason Kidd is the best point guard in the East, I'd probably be hunted down and shot by the blogosphere if I didn't start Hibachi. That or he'd come to my apartment and kick my ass in Winning Eleven. To be fair, Gilbert is the best playing point guard in the East. But that's not what he is if you really break it down. Nevertheless, Gilbert is on serious serious next level shit right now. And the Wizards are the best team in the East at the moment. Crazy, right? I was talking to a Washington fan last night and even he had no idea. Even crazier, Eddie Jordan is gonna coach the Eastern Conference team.

Good coach, but even Keith Van Horn must look at him and go, "What the fuck????" Hire a stylist, dude.

Shooting Guard: Dwyane Wade

There's just something about him that I really really don't like. And it's not even the fact that he gets more calls than anyone in the history of organized sports. It's just insane. Still, you can't argue with his numbers or his ring. That's all I'm gonna say about him. He has a better publicist than Kordell Stewart so it doesn't matter what I say. And his actual name, of course, still bothers me.

Small Forward: LeBron James

I can understand some of the criticism he gets about coasting through the season and whatnot. But who are we to judge? LBJ reminds us at every turn that he is a new kind of superstar. Whether it's hiring his roll-dawg to be his agent, signing for a less-than max contract, bringing his small child around porn stars, he's a new breed. And as Phil Jackson, Shaq and Tim Thomas have proven, sometimes it's wise to take it easy during the regular season.

That said, if LeBron doesn't bring his team to the Eastern Conference Finals, at least, this year . . . nothing of great significance will happen, I guess. He's 22 and he owns the universe.

Power Forward: Chris Bosh

I'm not gonna front like I've watched more than maybe three or four Bosh highlights this year, but whenever I see him play I'm amazed at how easily he can score. It's just a matter of time before he starts draining threes. And he's developed pretty quickly. Didn't take him long at all to usurp Jermaine O'Neal as the best 4 in the East.

Center: Dwight Howard

It's a damn shame that Shaq is starting. The mantle of great Florida big men has already been passed to D-How. He'll be grabbing 15, 16 boards a game in a couple years if he's so inclined. His squad will also get some top-line free agent one of these years. NBA players really really love Florida. Just ask Marquis Daniels.

Who's fucking with that team?

Reserves: Jason Kidd, Chauncey Billups, ~~Joe Johnson~~, Vince Carter, Michael Redd, Caron Butler, Jermaine O'Neal, Ben Wallace