2006-07 Thuggin' Western All-Stars

First, an apology to my roll-dawg Vince Carter.



I kept him off the Thuggin' Eastern All-Stars and then he goes and drops 30+ on two very decent Western teams, capping it all off with an insane buzzer-beater in Utah. I still think he might not make the coaches' cut, but he made mine.

Sorry Joe Johnson.



Maybe next year.

Point Guard: Steve Nash



This is his MVP year. If he were playing any other sport, reporters would be rifling through his locker looking for syringes. I'm really not suggesting that he's on anything, but that's the only way I can describe the level he's playing at.

Shooting Guard: Kobe Bryant



Still the best pure basketball player in the universe, it seems as if he's finally shed the superstar who doesn't make his teammates better tag, which I've long thought was bullshit. And it's a testament to his hard work that he's also shooting a career-best 47% while Captain Ass-Clown is the first center on his squad's depth chart,



instead of Big Dies.

Small Forward: Carmelo Anthony



I'm not holding it against him that he popped Mardy Collins in his grill. We need more of that in the NBA. Especially at MSG. The fact that he ran away all Namond Brice-like afterwards hurts his credibility a bit. But, really, if he had stayed there and fought, a riot might have started. Plus, Jared Jeffries really seemed like he lost it and he seems like the serial killer type. The best part of the fight, though, is that when Melo gets to center court with various Knicks chasing, you see Nene emerge from the bench and everything stops.



Surprisingly, nobody but Bill Simmons has mentioned this. But that move is just beyond gully. Its the NBA equivalent of Young Buck shivving the dude who smacked Dre at the Vibe Awards.



So, yeah. Melo gets the start in my book. He keeps raising his game, yada, yada, yada.

Power Forward: Dirk Nowitzki



What a fucking season for the big guy. It's a travesty that Nowitzki and Nash both didn't get voted in as starters, but that's what happens when the majority of voters are under 10 and/or live under a totalitarian regime that's only allowed to watch Rockets game. Dirk is just unstoppable this year. He doesn't miss, he's rebounding better than ever and he's passing more and more. He might be the most impossible player to guard because every play he's just as likely to drive to the hoop as he is to pull up for a mid-range or drain a three. And he's got that look in his eyes this year.



Wait a second . . . So does Steve Nash!



Center: Tim Duncan



Calling Duncan a power forward is the biggest scam in the league. Maybe I don't understand the game as well as Doug Collins, but why exactly is he not a center? Because Gregg Popovich says so? Look, Pop is most likely a Soviet spy who got stuck in Texas when communism fell,



He doesn't wear a tie half the time, he spells "Greg" with two g's, he's well-read and culturally aware and we're supposed to believe that he's a basketball coach in San Antonio? It just doesn't add up. So, when he pencils Duncan in at the 4 and David Robinson is not on the floor, don't buy it. Duncan's a center; the most consistent one on the planet.

Reserves: Allen Iverson, Deron Williams, Tracy McGrady, Ray Allen, Shawn Marion, Kevin Garnett, Amare Stoudemire (That was one of the toughest things I've ever done.)

2006-07 Thuggin' Eastern All Stars

Welcome to the new place. I hope you like it.

Anyway, it's that time of year again. It's great because you really can spend the whole day reading trade rumors. This year, especially, if you're a fan of the Nets.



You'll notice Vince is conspicuously absent from my list, the fans' and, I'd guess, the coaches'. He is still avereaging 25, 5 and 5, so he probably deserves a spot. But Kidd, who has more triple-doubles this year than the entire league combined, is a lock. And you can't have two All-Stars from a losing team. So, All-Star weekend without Vince Carter. Gonna be a little weird.

Let's do this.

Eastern Conference

Point Guard: Gilbert Arenas



While I still think Jason Kidd is the best point guard in the East, I'd probably be hunted down and shot by the blogosphere if I didn't start Hibachi. That or he'd come to my apartment and kick my ass in Winning Eleven. To be fair, Gilbert is the best playing point guard in the East. But that's not what he is if you really break it down. Nevertheless, Gilbert is on serious serious next level shit right now. And the Wizards are the best team in the East at the moment. Crazy, right? I was talking to a Washington fan last night and even he had no idea. Even crazier, Eddie Jordan is gonna coach the Eastern Conference team.



Good coach, but even Keith Van Horn must look at him and go, "What the fuck????" Hire a stylist, dude.

Shooting Guard: Dwyane Wade



There's just something about him that I really really don't like. And it's not even the fact that he gets more calls than anyone in the history of organized sports. It's just insane. Still, you can't argue with his numbers or his ring. That's all I'm gonna say about him. He has a better publicist than Kordell Stewart so it doesn't matter what I say. And his actual name, of course, still bothers me.

Small Forward: LeBron James



I can understand some of the criticism he gets about coasting through the season and whatnot. But who are we to judge? LBJ reminds us at every turn that he is a new kind of superstar. Whether it's hiring his roll-dawg to be his agent, signing for a less-than max contract, bringing his small child around porn stars, he's a new breed. And as Phil Jackson, Shaq and Tim Thomas have proven, sometimes it's wise to take it easy during the regular season.



That said, if LeBron doesn't bring his team to the Eastern Conference Finals, at least, this year . . . nothing of great significance will happen, I guess. He's 22 and he owns the universe.

Power Forward: Chris Bosh



I'm not gonna front like I've watched more than maybe three or four Bosh highlights this year, but whenever I see him play I'm amazed at how easily he can score. It's just a matter of time before he starts draining threes. And he's developed pretty quickly. Didn't take him long at all to usurp Jermaine O'Neal as the best 4 in the East.

Center: Dwight Howard



It's a damn shame that Shaq is starting. The mantle of great Florida big men has already been passed to D-How. He'll be grabbing 15, 16 boards a game in a couple years if he's so inclined. His squad will also get some top-line free agent one of these years. NBA players really really love Florida. Just ask Marquis Daniels.



Who's fucking with that team?

Reserves: Jason Kidd, Chauncey Billups, Joe Johnson, Vince Carter, Michael Redd, Caron Butler, Jermaine O'Neal, Ben Wallace